Tuesday, March 1, 2016

Time to be positive

Ever since I was young I was overwhelmingly exposed to an image of what the ideal woman looks like, or should look like. Tall, thin, long legs, perfect hair, and overwhelmingly beautiful.  As I grew up I kept thinking that I would magically turn into the beautiful women I saw in the magazines.  But as time went on I realized that wasn't going to happen. I realized that I was going to have to work very hard to meet the expectations created by the media.

I myself have always struggled with trying to meet these perfect expectations that society has created. Like I'm sure all other girls have done over 100 times. I've stood in front of a mirror picking at what makes me imperfect, instead of what make me perfect. But it's up to you to realize that no one is perfect.

 These Photoshopped and airbrushed images that I see in the media have lead to the false beautification of a person that does not exist. "These images are air-brushed versions of models who weigh 23% less than the average woman." (justsayyes.org). It's photos like these that set an unrealistic standard of the "average women". It saddens me that society has set an expectation for women that is literally impossible to reach. We all come from different backgrounds and genes, and no one of us is alike. Although some of us may be more fortunate in the gene department, that doesn't mean that we aren't all beautiful.

One of the biggest problems about this topic is the young age that so many of these expectations are formed. "69% of girls in 5th – 12th grades reported that magazine pictures influenced their idea of a perfect body" (justsayyes.org). I don't think that is stressed enough how important positive body image is, along with promoting activity and healthy eating habits at a young age. It is so important for everyone to feel healthy and beautiful in their own skin, and society prevents us from doing that.

After taking an eating disorders class this semester I have learned how unhealthy, and deadly body disformia really is. The worst part is how many people are actually struggling with it. " In the United States, 20 million women and 10 million men suffer from a clinically significant eating disorder at some time in their life" (Nationaleatingdisorders.org). It's time to stop this alarming statistic.


It's up to you to be happy with who you are, and what you look like. If you aren't, you need to make the healthy changes necessary to find peace with the way you look.

XOXO Julezz 

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

A walk with you

For my writing class i had to write a creative non- fiction piece so i decided to write a sort of prequel/ending to the story about Chad and i that i wrote before. This piece wasn't easy to write but i'm glad i did. It's pretty long but i would love it if you gave it a read!


A walk with you
         
            After one of the best days of my life, and getting into the sorority of my choice, I blissfully made it home around 1am. It had been a long and exhausting day; class then straight to open our bids, which had led to endless dancing and screaming for the next few hours with my new sisters. I sat down in my chair, ready to start my assignment due in the morning, but I thought a quick phone break would suffice before getting to work. I started scrolling through my social media accounts, looking at photos and catching up with everything. I saw a message icon in my direct messages in twitter. “I’m home.” I felt a pit in my stomach and hot tears started streamed down my cheek. It had gone from the best day to the worst in a matter of seconds.
~
            Senior year, this was it. Our last year to enjoy being adolescents before entering “the real world” and heading off to college. Well at least that was my plan, but as for more than half of my class and friends had something a little different in mind. I still remember waking up on the morning of October 6th 2012 and checking my phone, endless texts and twitter notifications, the message being “ the mission age was changing from the normal 19 for young men to 18 and 21 for women to 19”. I burst into tears the moment I got the news.  Although a lot of others might not have realized the impact it was going to have on all of us, I did. This meant a not only a summer but my whole freshman year of college, and the next two years with at least half of my best friends sprawled across the world doing “Gods work”. I was upset, not only that I was angry. It wasn’t fair. The church can’t do that, they are still kids they need one last summer they need their freshman year and the church was going to be taking this away from all of them, from me. It was selfish of course, but I didn’t care. Being one of the only people that wasn’t  LDS –in  my friend group and community, this was very hard for me. Everyone else was excited, no ecstatic that the age had changed the age. They could not wait to turn their papers in and discover where they would be heading for the next two years.
             As senior year went on, I went to each call opening to support my friends. Each time I would come home and mark the date on my calendar that I would be losing another friend, and when I say losing, I had a good reason. I had known plenty of older kids who had gone off on missions. I had written them via email or letters because they were my friends. I missed them. I wanted to see how they were doing and hear about their adventures. But it always ended the same. Conversations started out fine: how have you been? What have you been up too? Normal things like that. Then the pamphlets and testimonies would start coming. I would get sent pamphlets about the church, several books of Mormon, and pages and pages of testimonies of how this church could make me “ the happiest person in the world”, As soon as I got those I stopped replying, and another friendship was gone. I was; frustrated that my friends wanted to change me, I was happy just as I was, I didn’t need anyone trying to change me.
            And it was fine, I dealt with it all, it wasn’t until my best friend  Chad got his call that I started to freak out. I was going to lose my best friend in four short months, but I had no idea what was going to happen in those next few months. The more I thought about it I realized who am I going to watch Vampire Diaries and eat CafĂ© Rio with every Thursday? Who am I going talk to when amazing things happen? When terrible things happen?
            The weeks went on, and prom was shortly approaching. Chad and I went to different schools but he had ended up asking me to his senior prom. It would be both of our last dances of our high school career. It was such a beautiful April night the air was warm and the sky was bright. I had the most amazing pale blue sequin dress on, big loose curls in my hair that fell to my hips, and heels that I could barely stand in. I felt butterflies in my stomach as I heard the knock on my front door. As I glided down the staircase I saw him standing there looking at me, but not the way he usually looked at me, this time it was different, tonight was going to be different. He was wearing a nice fitted black tux, and a pale blue tie that accented his striking eyes. He was holding a white daisy boutonniere, my favorite and we were off. We drove up the canyon to this quant little restaurant in the woods. It was simple but rustic and beautiful. The food was exquisite; lobster, steak, potatoes sautĂ©ed vegetables, the works. There was a pianist playing soft tunes and dim lit candles illuminating every couples glowing faces. Across from the restaurant was a beautiful waterfall, it had bright green moss behind it, it was alive. We made our way to the dance and everything was perfect. As I laid my head against his chest and we swayed to Frank Sinatra humming in our ears, I knew tonight was different.  Here came the moment of truth, the doorstep drop off. Is he going to kiss me or not? He hugged me tight, for a long time as though if he let go he would lose me forever. As he pulled away he kissed me, his lips trembled a bit. I think we were both nervous. It was soft and slow but short as though our lips had barely brushed. I grinned and thanked him for the beautiful night and shut the door. I sank down and rested my hair against the door and touched my lips and blushed. This was the first time I had kissed this boy since I was in 8th grade almost four years ago what was I supposed to feel? We were just best friends
~
            It was dark and a little bit chilly. I had shorts on and I could feel the stubble growing on my freshly shaved legs as the wind blew through me. We walked hand and hand to the rickety wooden bench in search of the great super moon. We sat there and he held me and we didn’t need to say anything. I didn’t feel as though our time had to be filled with pointless babble, we could just enjoy the silence together. I looked up to see the brightest moon I had ever seen illuminating the sky, and in that moment I knew I was in love. At that exact moment I knew it was too good to be true.
~
            Seven days until he leaves, I need to spend every moment I can with him. But all I’m getting from him is things like “Sorry I have family time, they said you cant come” or “I’m busy reading the scriptures, I’ll talk to you later” or “I’m sorry I can’t go on the date, church stuff with my family”. They all started with sorrys and reasons why I would never be allowed in his world. I knew his family didn’t want me around; I was just a distraction a reason why he would want to stay.
~
            Grilled chicken, steaming fresh corn, and everything else you could imagine, it was a feast. We all talked and laughed as we sat with his family and ate. I felt like I was a part of them, I felt accepted. We played cards after dinner; Chad and I were on a team. Of course we dominated. I was about to leave with a big smile on my face until his family said I should stay for scripture reading, something I didn’t feel extremely comfortable with, but I didn’t want to be disrespectful of their culture and I knew it would make him happy. It went around in a circle. His father then his mother, his sister, his other sister, me then Chad. As Bonnie, his sister, started to read her line I figured Chad would skip me and start to read my part, knowing I wouldn’t want to read. She finished her last line and everyone looked up at me, Chad included. I hesitated to read the alien verses in front of me as quick as I could. I just needed to get out of there, and so I did. I made sure to never stay at his house past 8pm anymore scripture time.
~
            This was my last day with him for the next two years, the last time hearing his voice, the last time feeling his kiss, his arms around me. I picked him up at 5:30 that morning to watch the sun rise in the same place we had gazed at the moon two and a half moths ago. But walk to the rickety wooden bench just off the trail was different than the last. He was distant, his mind was somewhere else, and my hand was empty. He slowly put a stiff arm around my shoulder and handed me a yellow daisy. As we sat there watching the sky fill with pastel oranges and soft warm yellows, the sky was ablaze but I had never felt so dull. We sat in silence just the way we had before. But things were different, he had changed. We sat there for thirty minutes as the sun warmed our skin, our last moments alone.
~
            8pm, thirty minutes left with him and everyone is trying to get their goodbyes in before he is set apart to serve in Taiwan for the next two years.  I feel flustered. He’s closest to me. I should get his last moments with him. His family will have him for the rest of the night and until they drop him off tomorrow, everyone is fine but I’m not. It’s hectic and everyone is hugging and crying, myself included. “Time for him to go, say your goodbyes” his mother shouts and everyone rushes to hug him goodbye. He gives me the last hug, kisses me on the forehead and say’s “I love you, I’ll see you in two” , then hoped into his gold van and drove away. I continued to sob for a good fifteen minutes on his front lawn as my friends held me and assured me that everything was going to be okay. It was time to go so I got into my car. Eyes blurred with mascara, I stalled and rear-ended my best friend’s car parked in front of me. They took me home and we binge ate ice cream.
~
            Three weeks had passed and life was good again. I had adjusted. Freshman year was so exciting and I had never been happier.  Everything in my life had changed. I moved out, lived with roommate, and was starting college. My classes were easy and started late, which meant lots of sleeping in, and lots of partying. I sent Chad Dear Elders each day telling him about what had happened that day and they would print them off the next morning for him to read. It was almost like he was getting notes from me everyday. I got my third email from him on a Monday as usual. But something felt off. He was being weird. With missionaries, and only having the chance to share a few emails back and fourth once a week for about an hour, if you so happen to be on at the same time can be stressful. He started off normal, but as I reached the end of the email I knew that something had happened. “I have a meeting with my bishop here, I might be coming home”. My heart sank. He can’t be coming home he is exactly where he needs to be, we’ve already said our goodbyes. I knew if he came home things would never be the same, he would resent and blame me for his return and everything that had happened would wash away. Another email on Wednesday: “my meeting is today, the next time you hear from me will either be on Monday or you will know that I am home”.
            The conversation went exactly as I thought it would. He didn’t want to see me, didn’t want to talk to me. His parents blamed me. They were mad at him for his choices and that he was home. But they were more upset with me, they blamed me for everything. He asked me why I wouldn’t change for him, why I wouldn’t let him show me just how happy I could be. But he didn’t understand why the church would never be for me, no matter what I said.  He refused to meet up and talk to me, and told me to stop trying to contact him. “You see, it’s the slow knife…The knife that takes its time. The knife…that waits years without forgetting..then slips quietly between the bones. That’s the knife that cuts the deepest.” The Knife was cutting me so deep and there was nothing I could do about the sharp pains not in my bones, but in my heart. He had washed away everything we had to please his family. He said that pleasing his family would make him happy. The only person he was lying to was himself.

            It’s October, it’s Halloween and I’m heading up to Logan for the weekend to go to a big college dance party at Utah State. This should be fun. We get all dressed up in ripped black tights, old army coats that smell like they have been sitting in a closest for years. Black war paint under our eyes, ready to conquere the night. We were swaying with the crowd, not a care in the world, just having fun with my friends. The music was so loud I couldn’t hear myself think. It was the first time I had been happy in months. I suddenly realized that I wasn’t dancing anymore, someone was holding me but I didn’t know who or why. I looked up to see those blue eyes staring back at me like they once had, this time with an apologetic and saddened look in them. I looked up at him, confused to be seeing his face again, but I turned away. Hot tears streaming down my face as they once had and I started to run, and I never stopped running. 

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

"the perfect life"

The older I get the more I think about this idea of “the perfect life” we make this check list in our head, an idea of things that if can get that we will finally be happy.

- Find the perfect relationship
- Find a perfect place to live
- Find the perfect crew
- Do amazing things that will make other people envious
- Travel the world
- Have picture perfect family
- Get the perfect job
- Dress well
 - Do well in school and be successful
- Get more followers and like

            We obsess over these things thinking that if we check these things off the list that we will finally find happiness. But its not the case, even if we have all of these things there is always something else that we are going to want.  And not to say that those things I listed above aren’t important, and they don’t bring us happiness but they are not always the most important things. We focus on all of the things that we don’t have instead of appreciating all of the things that we do have. I look around at the world that I live in and I constantly find myself and a lot of people around me that take everything we have, and everything that this world has to offer for granted. It seems as though “My friends” (real life and social media) are just focused on working on their checklist, and showing off.  It’s hard to find positive people who are genuine to surround yourself with anymore.
            So this is just my friendly reminder to find happiness in the people and the things that you already have. Be appreciative, say thank you often, say I love you to the people you care about, find happiness in the little things, and most importantly find happiness in the things that you do have instead of focusing on things that don’t and may never have. You choose your happiness.

And I’ll leave you with a few dumb and very over said but underestimated quotes

“Good things come to those who wait.”

“Everything happens for a reason.”

Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning.

“Love is when the other person's happiness is more important than your own.”

“It's fine to celebrate success but it is more important to heed the lessons of failure.”

Sunday, April 20, 2014

Home is where the heart is and this house will be keeping a piece of mine,



Well it was time to say goodbye to my childhood house today, after 11 beautiful years in that house. I guess Ithought this day would never come. But I suppose the fact of it all was inevitable. Like all thing in life we outgrow,we move on, and leave things behind.
I got the call from my mom a few weeks ago when she said that one of the offers had finally gone through, and that it was time to start packing up the house. Each time Istarted to come down to the house more of our things had been sold or packed up. As we started to pack up the house I would have emotional breakdowns in each room (dramatic you might think, but necessary) each room that we packed up we began to pack up the memories that had happened in the rooms and starting to leave them behind.
I think that I’m going to miss the roof more than anything about that house though. It was my safe haven, and my secret spot, my hidden get away and my happiest of all happy spots. Im going to miss watching all the colors of the sun go down behind the shadows of the trees as the warmth on my skin left the air. I’m climbing out that window to layout, and catch some rays, or read a good book to get away from it all. I’m going to miss all the long talks with the people I care most about, and lying under the stars talking about our hopes and dreams. And most of all I will miss sneaking off onto the roof to share soft kissesunder the stars.
This house has so many memories that I will never forget in it. All the laughs we shared in that house, all thedelicious food that we made in the kitchen and ate in the dinning room. From the competitive card games, tosneaking out the back door in the summer, and laying on the roof even though it pissed my parents off. To taking every classic doorstep photo on that porch before a dance and parking the first car I ever had in the garage…all the sleepovers, the bubble baths, the birthday parties, and all the doorstep kisses and hugs goodbye (quick moment of silence for all of the boys that I have kissed in that househaha R.I.P)
The way I see it a house is like a painting. When you start its blank and empty. As you go you add yourself to the house through color and smells, through sounds and family. You fill it with love and laughter, and you fill it with good food and good company. You fill the house with memories and pictures and you make it your own. And when you’ve had your fun, and its time to move on. You paint the canvas white again for the next family to start their painting. But you always leave a little of yourself so that the memories you made will never be forgotten. And I hope that a beautiful family moves into this house and that they can raise their family in this house, and grow old  together and find love from this house. I hope that whoever lives in this house after me can find the happiness that this house has brought me. And that they fill it with laughter and memories just as I did. Im going to miss a lot about that house but like anything in lifeyou get out what you put into it. And as far as this goes I don’t think I could have gotten anything more than perfect memories and an unforgettable childhood form that house.

Goodbye 1989 Village oak lane, you gave me all that I could ever ask for.

Monday, February 17, 2014

Up on the rooftop

We stood there in our safe heaven
And you held me tight 
Like you had a million times before 
Not a care in the world, 
But there was
It had all changed 
But we still held on
We let out cares blow by with the wind
And finally 
There was peace 
And I said I loved you like I had a million times before 
But for all different reasons 
Now you were a friend 
And I was glad I could still call you that
I was grateful
So I let go of what I had held on for so long 
And the wind took you 

Thursday, February 6, 2014

Miss Magic Hands,

            So today I am in cafĂ© Rio with Austin James Spencer ( local town badass) anyway so we are eating our food and I go to grab some lids for us so that we can leave and this lady is sitting there and she’s like “it tastes like Christmas” and I wasn’t really sure if she was talking to me or not so I went and sat down. Then she says it again. She starts telling me how so is so happy that she is finally getting her chimichangas or whatever she was eating and how they only serve them on Thursdays but  how they are usually gone by the time she gets off work. We then continue to ask her what she does for a living and she starts to tell us how she is a massage therapist and about her work. We then asked her where she worked and she said that her boss  had just texted her the day before that she was selling the place where she rents out space to work on clients right before she was boarding an airplane which led us to the question as to where she went on a trip. She continued to tell us that she had just auditioned for the voice where she had made it through the first round and had also auditioned for Americas got talent and that she had been on the x-factor the previous summer. We continued by asking her which song she sang and she told us that she sand two one in Spanish and one in English and I had asked her if she was fluent in Spanish. She then continued to tell me that she was a linguist and could speak 10 different language’s fluently., and continued by speaking French, Spanish, Italian, and a bunch of other language’s that I couldn’t understand.  We then continued to talk about the movie “the Secret” and how if we just picture the things that we want and send out good vibes into the universe then we will receive them. So I’m just sitting here in awe about how amazing and sweet this woman is and to think I would have missed out on meeting such an amazing woman if I had just ignored her and gone on with my day. She seriously made my day and was so great it amazing to meet a woman so passionate about life like she was.

So a few thoughts about today

11.   Never judge a book or a person by their appearance everyone is so incredible in their own way.

22.  I strongly suggest that everyone go watch the secret on Netflix (skip the first 5 minutes because it is extremely corney) but it really helped me to change my perspective of things and I have been brought so much happiness since making these changes in my life.

33.   This woman is amazing and I got her number because she has amazing massage hands (so she told me) so if you are looking for  a rocking valentines gift for that special someone she is doing couples massages or two separate massages for only $80 dollars for a full hour which is a great deal considering she usually charges $100 dollars an hour. Her company is called Intuitive Touch, she goes by “Beeny” and her number is 801-949-8428